Finding Healing and Compassion Through My Yoga Practice
By Keren Eshed, Guest Contributor
It is hard to trace back the exact root cause of my eating disorder. I do remember constant negative chatter in my head during my teenage years, always striving for perfection and being terrified of failure. I was always skinny, but I never believed it myself and was never satisfied. I was a 21-year-old officer in the Israeli army when it really erupted. Directly in charge of 12 soldiers alongside my role in a unit of 1,200 soldiers, I felt overwhelmed, stressed and a complete failure. My struggle went unnoticed and I even received an acknowledgement of excellence for my time there. Internally, I felt like a fraud and was scared someone would eventually recognize my failure. My attention then shifted to my body image and food. I became obsessed with what and when I was eating, cutting out as much as I could, getting it out of my body as quickly as I could and burning the rest in a spinning class.
It took me a while to recognize that something was wrong. I found relief in being empty and kept coming back to that feeling. I managed to keep it a secret for a few years, always having excuses to leave after meals or not to attend them at all. Glimpses of change finally came when I met my husband and I felt a growing friction between the eating disorder and the life I knew I wanted.
Exhausted and empty, one day I collapsed and fractured my jaw in three different places. Ironically, I could not eat solid food for 3 months. After a recovery time, I took up a friend’s suggestion to try yoga, and it just happened to be an Ashtanga yoga class. I was weak, inflexible and just felt awkward in my body, but I was able to actually feel my body - I was hooked. I knew nothing about yoga, but it became a part of my routine and my curiosity just kept growing.
After graduating from Law school and completing an MBA, I began a corporate job as a junior associate in a big law firm. I felt a growing battle between what I should do to where my heart guided me to. Quickly the eating disorder came crawling back into my life. The familiar vicious cycle of fasting, restricting, indulging, shame, and anger was in play. Long hours at the office left little time to practice yoga, but that was the one thing I was looking forward to.
I finally decided it is time for a change. I dedicated myself completely to the practice and study of yoga. My journey led me to Mysore, India, where I practiced and studied philosophy daily. It was through the philosophy that I found a deeper connection and understanding of myself. Although I have tried and keep trying different styles of yoga, I keep coming back to the Ashtanga practice which is where I feel at home.
Ashtanga has a bad reputation and is often known for its rules and strict practice. While in some cases this can be true, for me it has been a life-changing practice. When I took up Ashtanga, I benefited from the structure and the repetitive nature of the practice. It is through the Mysore style format (self-practice with a teacher in the room) that my intention towards the practice changed and I began to experience it as a contemplative practice.
Ashtanga requires commitment and attention. For me, it is a time to be fully present with myself, notice my thoughts and emotions, and move with them with acceptance. It presented a mirror to myself off the mat; pushing too much on my mat reflected the way I was treating myself and cultivating this awareness enabled me to change my ways from an achievement driven practice to an introspective one.
Healing is a journey, and I cannot say I have a completely healthy relationship with food. However, I now see food as nourishment and take good care of my body. Yoga guides me towards self-compassion. My experience with yoga as a therapeutic tool has led me to the studies of philosophy and yoga therapy as I aspire to support others in their healing process. I strive to share yoga and its contemplative qualities as a way of self-exploration and support others cultivate self-compassion.
Keren Eshed is an LA-based yoga teacher, student, and a yoga therapist in training. Drawing from her own experience with eating disorders, she is passionate about sharing the gift of yoga as a therapeutic tool to support others to find healing.